Who will understand the pain of the elderly...?

The joint family tradition has been that system of our Indian society in which the boundaries of sweet relationships like grandmother-grandfather, uncle-aunt, aunt-uncle and brother-sister, apart from parents, have been so vast and beautiful that the children who grow up in their shadow, when they themselves set up their own household, they could not even think of living in the house without these relationships because living with the elders of the house was considered the ideal basis of the whole family and the results of this joint family tradition were also happy. But as soon as the tide of materialistic outlook slowly started swallowing our society, culture and traditions, forget grandmother-grandfather, uncle, even our own elderly parents started feeling the heat of embers. The vast boundaries of joint families shrunk and the unique culture of nuclear families came into existence, the scope of families was limited to husband-wife and children, so much so that the elderly society almost disappeared from the family scene. How miserable has the condition of destitute elderly people become due to the unique culture of nuclear families? We get to know this today by seeing the increasing number of old age homes across the country or the increasing number of elderly men and women spending time in a park or temple etc.

In Western countries, due to the very materialistic outlook, when children become capable of earning, they leave their parents and start living separately, so there are many such ashrams for the destitute and the elderly, but the way government and non-government organizations providing support to the elderly are opening here today and the speed with which the number of elderly people has increased in them, one is forced to think that why do these elderly people leave their full-fledged families and look for such a place to hide their heads? Has our new generation become so engrossed in materialism that they have no sense of compassion and respect for the elderly in their hearts? With some such questions in mind, I talked to the elderly people spending the evening moments of their lives in some old age homes. During the conversation, it was found that the institutions which were started only for such elderly people who have no one in the world i.e. who are destitute, today they are full of elderly people from such homes who get neglect and contempt from home. In the last twenty years, the number of elderly people in these ashrams has increased a lot. In these institutions, 90 percent of the elderly are those who are well-off from home but are neglected. Only 20 percent of the 'elderly' are those who have no place in the world. As far as such elderly people are concerned who are from well-to-do homes and have a full family behind them, what is their compulsion to stay here? On probing every elderly person, it was found that their own family members do not have some precious moments from their very busy lives to spend with them. Along with their sons and daughters-in-law, their children are also so busy in their work that these old people of the house do not get company in their own homes, and sometimes they do not even get full or timely food. In some families, the elderly do not get respect in their own homes in front of the ego of the young generation, what they get on every matter is only scolding and reprimand. Apart from this, the stress and anger that arises inside the family members due to the busy life full of hustle and bustle in the morning and evening and the economic and professional stress to meet the needs also comes down on the elders of the house. If there are both elderly husband and wife in the house, then they somehow pass the time by compromising with the situation, but when the elderly couple breaks up, the sting of neglect from their own people forces these elderly people to look for a place in such institutions to spend the last moments of their lives in peace.

After knowing the reasons for the elderly coming here, we met some such elderly men and women who, despite having everything like their own home, children, money, are forced to spend time in these ashrams after stumbling from door to door on the threshold of their life's evening only because in the eyes of their family members their importance had become like that burden which everyone wanted to put on each other. 68-year-old Premchandra Vinayak did not hesitate at all to spend all his earnings on building the future of his children and providing them with comforts and facilities, thinking that whatever I have is for the children! Then after the death of his wife, his own personal needs were also limited to only two meals a day, just a bad habit of smoking cigarettes from his youth which he now used to fulfill sometimes sitting in his room. But slowly, first his son and daughter-in-law got his room vacated by saying that the children are growing up, they need a separate space to study, so the balcony of the house was covered with a mat and his bed was laid there. Slowly, when he became dependent on his son and daughter-in-law for small things, he started getting scolded for cigarettes too. There was so much insult and scolding on small matters that one day he got fed up and went to live in an old age home himself. The family knows that he has been living here for the last five years, but no one has ever asked or taken care of him as if he was never a part of their family! The father who, after educating him and making him stand on his own feet, handed over everything to his son, is it not ingratitude for that son to turn away from his service like this?

82-year-old Nirmala Devi, who is disabled in one leg, has three sons, one of whom, who was a flying officer, was killed in an accident. The second is a Major General and the eldest son has retired from the post of Class One Officer. Even after being widowed at the age of thirty, she made all her sons capable of reaching high positions, but why is she in this condition today? While telling this, at first she hesitated but then on the condition of not publishing the names of her sons, she told that 'my eldest daughter-in-law did not keep me with her, with the second son Major General, wherever he was posted, she stayed with them. Since most of the time of the son and daughter-in-law was spent in clubs, there was a pain in the mind of being alone all day, but what was the option other than this? When the son retired, one day he came to me and said, 'Mother! We are going to Ludhiana. We will go and stay at the Gymkhana Club there. To explain to me, he told me that wife, children and servants can stay there but not parents. So, in compulsion, I am going to leave you at the Haridwar Ashram. In this way, after staying in Haridwar for two and a half years, I have been living in an old age home for the last three years.

Today, after living away from home for about five and a half years, Nirmala Devi remembers her old memories, but she does not want to remember the days spent with her children because those memories are so bitter that at the threshold of this age, struggling with life alone from the age of thirty, the way she was able to make something of her children, none of the children understood her pain, no one came forward to share that pain, and no one tried to become her support. Now, the bitter truth of that affection and pain flows from her old eyes only in the form of tears here and there.

62-year-old Sarla Devi has been here for the last two and a half years. Her husband was a contractor in U.P. Among her three sons, the eldest son was not in a position to keep her with him due to losses in business. The middle son is a clerk in the court. But he is also an alcoholic. The youngest son was also useless by habit, but his wife was educated and a teacher in a school. Due to their good financial condition, she stayed with them, but when she announced to distribute all the property and assets equally among all her children, the younger son and daughter-in-law beat her so much to get the property registered in their name only that the police had to intervene. They said that when you are living with us, then everything should be in our name. The police themselves handed over her case to the court and advised Sarla Devi to take shelter in an old age home. Sarla Devi, staring into space, says in a choked voice - what else is it if not my misfortune? Today I have a three-storey house in my own name in Patel Nagar, Delhi, but I had to take shelter in this small room to hide my head. Sometimes I feel like taking legal help to get my house vacated from the daughter-in-law and son who treated me like this, but then I think that the financial condition of the children is not good, if they come on the road, who will support them? At least there are such ashrams to support an old woman like me! Listening to all our conversation, 86-year-old Lakshmi Bai, who was sitting nearby and was completely alone and destitute, says with a long sigh - it is better to be childless than to be parents of such children!! At least we don't have to drink the bitter sip of insult that arises from such behavior of children along with other sorrows!! After listening to Lakshmi Bai, for a moment I also felt that there is some substance in her words, but when I talked to some elderly people spending their time alone in the park on this subject, I found that there are many such elderly people who are suffering from similar problems. The government has also provided many facilities and made strict laws for the safety, service and ensuring their place in the society for the elderly. The elderly can take the help of the law if they want, but due to the affection for the children in their hearts and the fear of public shame that the children's secrets might be revealed, they are forced to live a double life with blisters of insult and frustration in their hearts. Since there is no one to talk to them at home, they spend hours in the morning and evening in a park or in the satsang of temples etc. and we and you understand that perhaps the elders of the house get peace in spending time like this. But if you really look into their eyes, you will find so much maturity of experience in the eyes of these elders who are considered a hindrance at home that perhaps by sitting in their shadow for a moment, you will get rid of the daily entanglements and tensions, but does the young generation have the time or sensitivity to take inspiration from the knowledge and experience of the elders of their own house...?